Life is absurd, isn't it?

<p>I mean, honestly now. I am sitting in a Starbucks in Duluth, GA. Last week at this time I was at a Starbucks in Sterling, VA. That alone is a bit surprising to me. Now, I dont even know what to think. I am trying to consider what to do next. Maybe next month I'll be in New York. Maybe one day I'm going to look up and find myself in the middle of Milwaukee and wonder how my life ended up there. Even now I have to wonder what my life choices have been to lead me to this point. No where near where I thought I would be at the beginning of the year. No idea where next year will take me. Party on, Wayne.

Post of bitching '11

So. I got back on Monday afternoon, after a fantastic week with some amazing people and a weekend with my dad. First thing that happens is I'm taken by my step dad to go look at apartments is Chandler, about an hour from where we live now. Because he and my mother are getting a divorce, their both looking for places right now. And since it's.... ~friendly~ they both have said that they would like for me to live with them. I think this is because they're both afraid to live on their own again. Neither has in over a decade. Then there's my father who ALSO wants me to live with him. But he's also saying that I could go to the university in Georgia. Now, if that happens, awesome, because they have a decent journalism program and I could live on campus and have little to do with my father. But that happening seems to be a rather slim chance and he keeps telling me that I'm more than welcome to stay with him anyway. So, all three of them want me to live with them. I really don't like any of them. But my other options are limited.

Moving on from the house situation, let's look in on to the shenanigans at home, shall we? Super.
Like I said, their in the middle of a divorce. Living in the same house, because it's ~friendly~. And their both going out on dates and whatnot. And telling me about them. No, mother I do not need to hear about the date you went on last night, nor do I want to help you with your online dating profile. No, step-dad, I do not want to talk about this with you. I don't need to hear about it. I don't WANT to hear about it. I don't care anymore. Please just go away.

Why hasn't anyone moved out yet? Well, the short answer to that is that we're waiting until we get evicted. Because they stopped making the mortgage payment. Because it's the thing to do these days. And that neither of them actually has enough money to afford their own place right now. And how is that, since the house isn't being paid for? Well that's easy. They've been spending all of their money going out all the time on their dates, buying expensive clothes and otherwise acting like moronic children. Why yes, you SHOULD go out until 12:30 at night when you have to be up at 5. Genius, right?

Why don't I leave? Well, I could go live with my dad. But I don't want to. I don't like him or my brother, who's living with him right now. And the last time that that happened it didn't turn out well. They're almost as bad. And I can't afford my own place, because I don't have a job. And I can't seem to GET a job. Go me. And I didn't get signed up for normal classes this semester because I thought that we were going to be moving a ways a way at the beginning of the month, or maybe October. So driving an hour to class wouldn't have been a good idea. But hey! That never happened. Because the fucking people can't get anything right.

Then there's my other brother. The one who owes me money. The one who sent me money at the last second and made it impossible for me to get the money. The one who I told I was in Atlanta and still asked me what the problem was. Fucking moron, stop smoking the fucking pot for two seconds and actually get this shit figured out before I come up there and stab you in the face with a god damn hatchet, yeah? Because I didn't get the money I was supposed to from him because he a fucking selfish dick, I now owe my mother some money and she's being a royal bitch about it. Well, I mean she's usually a fucking bitch that needs only the slightest excuse.

Oh hey. I just got news from my dad about the scholarship that he was talking about for school. Have to be a resident for a year before you can qualify. Which is what I figured in the first place. And hell to the fucking christ no, I am not going to live with you for a year. It's just NOT going to happen. Get over it. WELP. That takes THAT off the table. Can I just murder someone now? I'm sure a reasonably court would rule that I wasn't in my right mind and just toss me in an institution for a few years. And hey, I like jell-o as much as the next guy.

So then, I'm back to square one. Isn't just just fan-fucking-tastic. Look at me, bitching about all of this when I still have things better than a lot of people. How fucked up is that?

Apparently this is going to become a monthly blog

So, it's come to this. I lie awake at night, thinking that I should write down the things that I am thinking, maybe answer some questions that people have about me or why I do the things that I do.

But then the sun comes up and I realize that no one really does want to hear about any of it.

I think that that's a good place to start. A lot of the time, I won't talk about myself or other things because I believe that other people really don't want to hear about it. They may say that they do, or act interested, but I always assume that they're just being nice and don't in fact want to listen. And why would they?

I forgot how to connect to people. Or maybe I never even knew how to to begin with. I want to. I just don't know how any more. I'm so used to people coming and going so often that I stopped trying to, and now I don't know how.

I don't like saying good bye. I just don't. I almost never do.

I... I almost can't say "I love you." It doesn't mean I don't, or I won't. I just can't say it. Maybe I can't even feel it the same way you do anymore. It doesn't feel any different. Is it supposed to?